Kids, Mum was right. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day – and no, we’re not spouting on about metabolism, or ‘kickstarting your workday’ (do you even know us?). It’s not even because of the serious influx of bacon every time the clock hits 7am.
It’s because we all know our brekky choices, and as much as you like to lie to yourself about ‘exploring the menu,’ you always know what you’re ordering – every damn Sunday café visit.
Truth is, your breakfast order says a lot about you. Ever been friends with someone who ate All Bran for fun? Nah, we didn’t think so.
Oh. Right. You’re still unconscious after last night’s surprise tequila shots. We’ll check back around 3pm with some cracker bacon photos.
You want to smile at that office chick who always carries around a bowl of fat-free yoghurt, but it mortally offends your love of hollandaise. Seriously, you could eat hollandaise for hollandays, and any morning spent without a plate of bacon in front of your face is bad news. #goodlifechoices
You haven’t quite gotten a handle on the ‘adulting’ concept yet, and we respect you for it. As far as technique goes, your eating style’s as horizontal as pizza itself – mainly ‘cause you haven’t had to put on pants since last Wednesday.
You’re a firm believer of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’ and nothing changes your morning routine. Not hangovers, not snarky calls from the boss – nothin’. Stop trying to mess with our CocoPops, Dianne.
Coffee and a ciggie
No breakfast choice resembles a ticking time bomb quite like yours. Coworkers sit on the edge of their seats until you finally take that sip of double-shot latte – and god help us all if there’s no lighter around.
We’re all jealous of your rockin’ bod, but frankly, the thought of that constant 5am wakeup is too much to bear. You arrive at work in active wear and can’t help but use the word ‘activated’ in front of half of your lunch ingredients.
Sigh. Look, we wrote muffin for your sake, because you know you have a problem, but you’re not willing to admit it. It’s cake. You’re eating cake for breakfast, and lying to yourself with unique, breakfast specific names for it isn’t helping. Get help.
We told you – that morning ritual’s no yolk.
Words by Samantha Chariton