Guys, we don’t want to alarm you, but Brisbane’s annual scorching heat wave is finally here. We’ve all been blissfully enjoying the mild summer for weeks now, sitting poolside, enjoying picnics and hitting the beach, but this weekend, we’d recommend staying indoors unless you want to feel the heat of a thousand suns blasting you into the nether regions of hell (ok, it’s one, and it’s only going to be like 35 degrees, but still).
With this level of heat set to scorch the city into oblivion, we’ve come up with a few ways to cool down without moving to Antarctica (although it is still on the cards).
Brooklyn Standard | CBD
Where do you go when the above ground offers nothing but a shimmering wasteland of blazing pavement? Well if post-apocalypse movies have taught us anything, it’s that you go underground of course! We don’t know about you, but we’re going underground to where there’s cocktails, air conditioning and live music 6 nights a week.
Deliveroo | Your air conditioned home or office
Step one: find air conditioning, whether it’s your bedroom, your office, your parent’s place or the lounge room of that guy down the street. Step two: Download Deliveroo and every time you feel hungry enough to go outside, order up a feast to be delivered to your door so you don’t have to. Step three: Be prepared to fend off an attempt by your Deliveroo delivery guy to stay and hang out in air conditioned comfort. ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE THIS HORROR.
Queen of Pops | Clayfield
It’s a conundrum – you’re in desperate need of caffeine but the thought of a latte has you sweating more than that one time you tried to run around the block. What to do? Head to Queen of Pops and get yourself a frozen kick on a stick of course, with a double shot of coffee in every one of their coffee pops! We’ll take a sweet long black, thanks.
Riverbar & Kitchen | CBD
There’s only one place in Brisbane that won’t feel like the depths of Satan’s armpit this week, and that’s down by the river. But if you haven’t managed a hostile takeover of one of the mansions in Bulimba, a spot at Riverbar & Kitchen will be just as good, if not better. They have got jugs of sangria and lychee mojitos, after all.
Cloudland | Fortitude Valley
Is it indoor, is it outdoor, is it an oasis of greenery secretly created by the government in case of this very event so everyone can enjoy champagne and espresso martinis in air conditioned comfort and live out Armageddon in style? Either way, you won’t feel the heat from here, but with all the tropical greenery hanging around, you may just wish a bikini was acceptable bar wear.
Holy Moley | Fortitude Valley
It’s far, far too hot for hot for outdoor activities – but not if you take those activities indoors! Don your most tropical golfers hat and head for Holey Moley, where the only dark hole you’ll want to sink into is the one on the putt putt course, with your golf ball. The only hole in one we get might be the rum, cinnamon and banana cocktail, but we’ll take it.
Netherworld | Fortitude Valley
It may be situated on Hellmouth, but don’t worry, Netherworld has done everything in their power (sacrificing virgins, burning Ouija Boards, that kind of thing) to ensure the door stays firmly shut, and the air conditioning stays ice cold. They’ve also got plenty to keep you occupied while you camp out there for the weekend, including board games, retro arcade games and ancient gaming consoles. Do we even need to mention the beer?
Yeah we know we said don’t go outside, but a shady rooftop poolside bar is the exception, ok? Mock the pedestrians sizzling away in the Queen Street Mall below as you sip on pina coladas and throw back freshly shucked oysters from your pool chair atop Next Hotel.
Blue Room Cinebar | Rosalie
Heading to the cinemas when the heat drives you from your own home is a no brainer, but only at Blue Room Cinebar will you be able to watch a movie with an ice cold beer in hand as you order up platters of cheese and charcuterie. In between flicks, you can even hang out in the cellar bar downstairs – but depending how many films you fit into your movie marathon, you may not wind up remembering the last one.
Stay chilled out there people.
Words by Ranyhyn Akui